A little this and some that

I haven't updated my blog for a while, as You might have recognised. So I have to go back in time a bit. I have been planning for a while to write about the best place I know around: Nonakuppam Beach. It is located at the meeting of a river and the ocean, and forms a peninsula. If You don't want to take a huge walk You can only get there by boat, a really nice 10-15 minutes journey. The beach actually named after Paradise and there certainly is some truth in it. I am lucky enough to have been there many times but I can't get bored with it. It has an atmosphere quite unique in India. Silent and peaceful. Usually it is not very crowded, so with some luck we can have a hut on our own. And then just laying down. I usually spend big part of our time there sleeping.

And that is not waste of that time at all! As at home it is very hot, I learnt to appreciate a proper sleep, without waking up sweating. Of course it would not be India if there were no dogs around. It is quite a phenomenon that You can find people, dogs and cows everywhere, no matter where are You going. There is also volleyball field available, but I haven't yet dared to brave the heat and the curious sight of the Indians and joined for a game.
Last time I have been ther with Isabel and Natacha. Yes, Natacha spent her a week for my greatest happiness, and we had a wonderful time together, I had almost forgotten how nice is to have her around but she came and reminded me :-)
There are some people in one's life whose company means a lot, even if You are not doing anything special. I just love to see her sitting in front of the computer in full concentration or listening her explainig something with enthusiasm, I can't help smiling spontaneously.

I have found my ultiamately favourite Indian dish, it is called prawn pakoda. Little prawn pieces mixed with onion and well-fried. With prawn fried rice and beer, well..... unbeatable combination. And the place where You can get it: Bamboo Hut. A nice restaurant on a terrace with lots of plants. An oasis in the middle of the

city. I love to look down at the busy and nosiy street, I need this distance to enjoy the cavalcade that is so typical of Indian cities. Being down there for me is struggle for survival, I can't lose my focus, constant awarness of the cars, bicycles, motorbikes, rikshaws coming from all direction, sounding the horn and making the most amazing manouvers. And then the armies of beggars and vendors all trying to tell, to touch or at least look. That is part of the Indian reality.

Ok, about other things, the biggest sensation is that in the last few days the monsson has finally reached us, the temperatures dropped under 40 Celsius, the sky is cloudy and we have experinced some rain.

It is said that Pondicherry is particularly dry, and I am sure it's true. Appart from the last one week or so I can count maybe three small rains. And the last days have also failed to bring heavy torrential rains... here. If You follow the news You can read about the devastating power of the monsoon. The local papers display photos of cities under water, and the death toll is already well beyond two hundred. And seeing the infrastructure, or rather the lack of it, I can imagine that a stronger rainfall would turn our neighbourhood into a lake or at least swamp. One has the feeling that they are not prepared for monsoon, as if it was something new and unexpected. Anyway for me so far it has proved to be a relief, with the little sideffect that there are noticably more intense mosquito activity.
I don't know, I started this post with beach, Natacha, prawn pakoda then I turned to beggars and now it's the mosquitos and the monsoon. I am still a bit fragile, maybe it was to early to try to write again... anyway I think I'd better shut up now ;-)

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." Friedrich Nietzsche

I was not planning to reflect on myself. By now it seems inevitable. This was my first post that triggered some waves in the form of reactions. Thank You for those all, who wrote me and shared their views, it means me a lot. And let me grabb the opportunity here to encourage everyone to write, if You feel like.... You are more than welcome!

As far as my knowledge goses this page is visited only by those who are important for me, either memberes of my family or friends. This is an important remark, because I do care about the opinion of these people. And most of them suggested to remove the incriminated post from my blog. I have been considering and my decision it to leave it there, at least for the time being. But this decision needs to be explained.

I was strongly criticized for calling Raquel a bitch and other names. In the light of all my precautions at the beginning I am genuinly surprised. The unusually and unexpectedly strong expressions, are there, and only there to express my state of mind and to emphasize how contradicted my feelings are. And in NO WAY are they reflecting on Raquel’s behaviour towards me or her profession or anything concerning her….

That was a special occasion, a long and frustrating night, spent with work while feeling sick and fighting my inner battles. And engaged in a conversation with Raquel. In no circumstances would I use the same expressions again. However the feelings are the same. The very feeling of losing someone we are in love with.... the anger, the hopes, the pain... well, it's there.

For those who are unlucky enough to follow Hungarian politics let me propose a grotesque comparism that happened to cross my mind. Should in Your opinion Mr. Gyurcsany withdraw the speech in Öszöd just because of such expressions as „elkurtuk”? I have always thought that these expressions are merly to emphasize the content, to create an atmosphere in what the ears are open. Tools, no more no less. The esthetic quality might be argued, but taking them out of the context put them in the limelight and judge the text and the speaker according to?! That speech was targeting a certain audience, who were expected to understand. So did my post.

It stays for now, if it hurts anyone in any way I do apologize. It was not meant to do so. If someone feels the need to judge me according to the mere words instead of the meaning, saddened though, but I will accept.

FUCK OFF!!!

This should not be a post, this is a page of my non-existing diary. And I know that I will regret it, I will feel ashamed thinking of that the guy who wrote these lines is the same guy I can see every time I pass a mirror (recently not very often).

FUCK OFF!!!

I have been sitting in front of my computer for more than 12 hours trying to finish my work, so that I can have a free weekend with Natacha. It is around 2:30 a.m. I only have left my desk twice to take a pee and twice to try to throw up (failed attempts) since my lunch.
In the last one hour I have been talking to Raquel. We had some problems recently - well, we basically had had problems all the time spent together - in what I was guilty. Let's say it frankly, I behaved like an asshole, I have never denied. Happens sometimes, what is not an excuse, and I had my own reasons to do so, not an excuse either. On Saturday she communicated on skype that she broke up with me. Yeah, You see we are living in the Age of high-tech! You can live Your entire life interactive!
So now we have been talking or rather: she has been sharing her daily problems as we were good old friends and I don't understand what the fucking hell this bith thinks? Is she still sick, or pervert who finds it nice to bullshit with her ex, right after she kicked him out?! Of course I should have told her to fuck off or just simply log out (brave new world, a click and You have broken free!). Why the hell should I listen what You want to do with Your blody life that doesn't includes me any more?! WHY? I don't want!
The only problem is that I want this girl to come back to me! I still love her. I would definitely prefer to hate her, at least for the time being. But I am the pervert who is torturing himself reading everything what she writes just to submerge in the pain deeper and deeper in the hope to rise on the wake of self-pity and reborn as a Phoenix. But it doesn't come that easliy.
I want to shout at her, I want her to realize the pain she causes me, and I want her to suffer as much as I suffer. And I want to hug her and hold in my arms, and drink the sight of her naked body with my eyes. Smell her skin and feel the warmth of her body.
I selfishly want her to know how selfish she is. This little thing can't see anything out of herself, she only needs people around her to have her audience, she doesn't want to share, neither compromise she wants everything in her way. And I want to be her audience! I want her to wake up one morning realizing what she did to me, and regret it and then write to me that she was wrong and if I still want if I can forgive..... what a bullshit, for God's sake!
Most of the things in my room belong to us, reminding me to her all the time. I water the plant I bought her every day, I try to maintain a life made for two, and I am one, and the other one won't come. I feel pain, the terrible and unexplicable feeling of loss something very very precious. I feel it to the core. And I blame her, rather out of habbit than out of conviction.
She cut her hair at home and I wonder how she looks, if I would like it or not, my tipp: I would. I want to hear her warm bright voice, I want to hear her pronanuncing my name.
We failed to make each other happy most of the time, and yet I want her to come back and try again because as long as there is flame You can't leave the fire, and she has not extinguished mine. No.
It was me extinguishing hers.
FUCK OFF!!!