Az egek felé kiáltottam, Rosszat soha nem akartam!

Maybe happiness is the only feeling that does not need to be justified. I am glad to inform You that I am happy. On Saturday I went to an Edda concert, I hadne't been at any for two years before that. And it was so great, so wonderful. The old folks really pulled themselves together and performed a real show, with huge screens in the back and great great live music! I wonder why don't they do always like this, but it didn't matter at the time. I came out unable to talk, to hear and dying of thirst... and god damn happy!

By the way, I celebrated my 25th birthday on Wednesday. It was a lovely day. You made it lovely, who called me and sent me greetigs from all over Europe. I woke up paralyzed. The day before Natacha convinced me to do something special on The Day and that seemed to be a great idea. Just to put things in practice has never been my strongest feature. So I killed the morning doing nothing and feeling bad about doing nothing (what is very stupid regarding the fact that I usually like doing nothing). Then I cleaned my room (neW) went to the gym to work out a bit (nEW) and then spent the eveining with my hm. girlfriend(?) (NEW)! So I met all the expectations, and then I got the calls, mails, letters, I was really moved by enjoying such flow of emotions, greetings... It felt really good to be Peter / Petya / Peti.
I also remembered my 24th birtday which I spent working in Norway driving aroud by a truck

with Jens emptying clothes containers in freezing conditions and having a great deal of ice-cream just to "warm-up" and celebrate :-)
I will never forget that day! Likewise won't I forget my birthday party just days before in Hornsjoe, with my self-madde cake(!) sitting in the cafeteria.. long long Norwegian nights...
Well, let me wish You all who pass by here Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

As it is in Heaven

I downloaded my favourite film! I saw it four times when it ran in cinemas. During downloading I was checking on the percentage and the remaining time again and again. I just couldn't wait! Then it finally arrived, and turned out that I got the Swedish version without subtitels. Ok, the movie itslef is Swedish (Sa som i himmelen) so in a way it's fair enough, but in the file name the title is in English. I anyway watched it, what could I do?! Then to compansate myself I watched Lost in translation right after. Now it's finished, the time is 2:15 a.m.
On Sunday I woke up late and with hangover, not that I mind, the night was great, my first stag party ever (Congratulations Geri!), it really is a cool event and Geri is a cool guy who deserves all the bests, so let's wish him all the bests!
So, I only had time for a quick shower and a fast lunch (toast with cheese) before leaving for the theatre. I hate that I am so critical lately but I just can't get to a proper play, can anyone help me?!

But there are good news: Isabel is back from India (Wilkommen!), Natacha is getting cafe latte with foam (and without sugar), and Hanna promised to tell me about my destiny. All these in one single, sleepy, dark, wet, unfriendly...... Sunday.
There were other things last week worth to mention (I lost my blue hat! I lost it! How could I?.... On the same night I had carbonara, what a carbonara! - Roller coaster indeed!) but not now, maybe tomorrow, or later... or never.
I just write this because I don't want to finish with the word "never" brings bad karma.
And this becasue I don't want to finsih with "bad karma".
You are never alone with Your schizophrenia!

Peter flakes

Honestly I wanted to write here. I logged in and started my post. Then this stupid feeling came that it was my obligation to put here something nice, smart or deep. And as I consider myself the biggest enemy of any obligations... I quit the job.

Present situation: mind is clear, I am sick, tired and quite not in the mood to care about anything but entertaining myself with posting something. Anything. Whatever... and random...

Thursday: went to Veszprém to visit my brother (half) and my nephew (also half but considered full). He is one and a half now and I haven't seen him since December (wasn't aroun, huh!). We arrived and attacked the poor fellow fighting for his attention. He basically gave a shit about us, strangers, didn't even bother himself with getting scarred. Cool kid, but I hope he will get a brother or sister a.s.a.p. otherwise he will be inevitably spoiled like hell. I was wondering a bit about my family: I have this half brother I have never in my life had a real conversation as far as I can remember. I like him a lot and he really is a great guy, smart, lazy and calm. We used to have summer holidays together, besides I see 3-4 times a year. Not much, but I count on him. Then I have my half sister who must be 14 now and - as she was also there - I tried to figure out what do I think about her. Well... actually nothing. She is just a girl who attends these family gatherings and I always ask her about school havinfg no better idea what to talk about. We have very little in common and even if we have I am not much intereted right now to find it. I couldn't help feeling disappointed and ashamed.

Just a little bit back in time, Monday. I was sitting in an institution called Monyo famous for a drink with the same name, that consists of vodka, raspberry syrup and tabasco. Since September I have become a regular there, almost part of the furniture I would say. Well, I am exaggerating of course and even worse! I do it on purpose. Hey, keep an eye on me, I am cheating!
Anyway, it was a peacful evening I was surrounded by nice people: friends and would be friends (it takes time for me to make friends). Then then out of the blue the whole night turned upside down. I started to sense that something was going wrong and I helplessly tried not to pay attention hoping that by this I can stop it evolving. There are those situtaions You wonder how to react or behave - with the certainty that You won't live up to the challenge.

Ok, time machine reloded, Friday. Not far from here I huge building is under demolition and I decided to havea closer look and eventually take some photos. I suffered some delay because in order to accomplish this mission I needed to recharge my batteries. My life is not like a stupid action movie I have my little delays. Maybe that's why I prfefer art movies. Anyway, aprroached the target area (actually I pass by at least twice a day as it's on my way to the Metro) took my cam from the pocket and I had this weird feeling (most of my feelings are kind of weird, maybe I should visit a psychiatrist) as if I was doing something illegal. You know this sense of guilt, I wanted to hide what I was doing. And of course it was self-fulfilling prophecy. Very soon I became kindly surrounded by two of theses low-cost security crews. They had approximately around 8 teeth... together. But even with this outfit they were highly capable to advise me to fuck off. They told me that I was taking photos of a private property (Spanish!!!). Then a real gem came, I can still recall it: "If You don't not want to be beaten up badly (badly!!!) You'd better push Your bike away (I was on foot)" I told them that I was a lawyer (LIAR!!!) and that I knew my rights very well (not exactly true). I tried to look confident but I wasn't! Then they started to shout so I shouted back and at this point I realized that they did not dare to hit me - no matter how many teeth they had. But it was anyway a disturbing incident. I don't want to have a long monologue about democracy and freedom rights but next time I want to take a photo somewhere in the city I will certainly have the same feeling as I had here at the begining and that's not ok, that's not how I want to live. These guys I could handle but they are not the problem rather the sypmtoms of a rotten system. JEEEEEEZ!

List of inconveniences:
1. I haven't talked to Kristóf for almost two weeks.
2. I haven't even sent him birthday greetings.
3. I still don't know Hanna's new address in Venice.
4. I still haven't visited a dentist.
5. I still haven't rented out my flat.
6. I still don't have any idea what to write my diploma work about.

God is great!

Morrison's Pub, Jamie Winchester...

I did not want to go at all. I wanted to stay at home and stay sober at least for this one night... But it was good. Very good...

"..What if God was one of us..."

Do You believe in crime without punishment?

If in doubt ask Fyodor... or Woody (sorry, I watched Matchpoint yesterday).

Over 1000, under 75

Last Thursday I visited a gym for the first time since I am back . The story behind the story:I lost 7 kg in India, but I checked it out and I was 71, means I got back 4 already. Not bad in two months, or... too bad. Anyway I let myself persuaded by my brother to join him for a so called spinning class. I had to simply ride a bike (without wheels of course). There was a rather attractive lady walking around and checking on us as we had to wear a gadget that showed almost every details on a watch from our pulse to the calories we burnt... bla-bla. I found it funny except for the fact that my butt (what is a polite word for this?) is still aching as the seat of of my "cycle" wasn't particularly comfortable. According to my personal device I burnt 600 calories, from which 55% was fat... They have by the way mirrors all over so I suspect that this is a club for exhibicionist people. And they also have disco-lights but for that I can hardly imagine any explanations, who wants to ride a bike in a disco?!
On Saturday I visited the Hundertwasser exhibition with Csabi (also known as Tangókirály). I have heard a lot about the guy, and I have been lucky enough to see some of his buildings in Wien. And I remember vividly when I visited Shereen and arrived to Uelzen and had a glance at the railway - station. The first thought came to my mind was: "It must be a Hundertwasser" and so it was. I spent 20 minutes only in the toilet... think whatever You want ;-) I really admire those who can keep thier idealism despite of the regularly discouraging majority, those who follow thier own paths even if it leads to the unknown. In his case I even like his art and sympathtize with his environmentalist ideas. Maybe that's why I found the exhibition a little bit poor. It focuses on Hundertwasser the painter, but even in this particular area has little to offer, I can recall around 5-6 really good works. Anyway I had plenty of memories woken up seeing his works, so all in all it has worth it.

p.s. Mr Kaczynski's Law and Justice (PiS) party lost the elections in Poland to the liberal Civic Platform (PO). Good news :-)

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

This morning I was woken up by an SMS (lately I don't switch off my mobile for the night, God knows why). I learnt from the message that my ex-girlfriend, Marta gave birth to her first child (Orsolya, 4 kg, 58 cm Wish You a nice and happy life sweetheart!). I had been expecting this news for a weeks, but when it actually arrived... well, ok... first of all I went back to bed...
But later on, during the day I found myself staring at the words. I still haven't answered, I guess I seem to be quite impolite, but I hope that she knows me better than that (still). I am very happy about her/them, that's absolutely clear. And yeah, I am also envy. I envy the situation having someone with whom we can trust each other so much that we decide to have a child. I don't know, I have always been crazy about this kind of security, I built a huge myth around it, and it still haunts.
I have this image in my head that I will build a big house with a fireplace and even my grandchildren will live there (at least one of them). And I keep all the books I have ever read around me. And I always expect that all my friendships and grilfriends will last forever. Inside my little mind I build everyting for the eternity.

One night I was sitting on a tram looking out of the window. It was dark outside so it worked more like a mirror all things inside the tram reflected on it. A couple was sitting on the other side and they leaned close to each other to kiss. In this mirror of mine however the girl leaned forward and reached my face and kissed ME! I almost fell down from my seat, I was dizzy and walked home with a big smile on my face.

Other night, waiting for the bus. A car came with big noise and obviously with far greater speed than it's allowed. As it approached me, I thought that the driver would lose controll and hit me. It was a sudden and strong feeling, for a second I was really sure that I would die. And I felt so empty, it was as if cold air filled my stomach, time slowed down. I had no other thought than Finito. I think I was sad a bit. I stood there waiting for my destiny to drag me away. Then the car passed and everything was blown away; the emptiness, the cold air... and I remained in the bus stop with a bit of disappointment.

Same sleepless night

I have run out of words... so I turned to the masters to speak for me...

Karollak, vonlak s mégsem érlek el,
Itt a fehér csönd, a fehér lepel.
Nem volt ilyen nagy csönd még soha tán,
Sikolts belé, mert mindjárt elveszünk,
Állunk és várunk, csüggedt a kezünk
A csókok és könnyek alkonyatán.
Sikoltva, marva bukjék rám fejed
S én tépem durván bársony-testedet.
Nagyon is síma, illatos hajad,
Zilálva, tépve verje arcomat.
Fehér nyakad most nagyon is fehér,
Vas-ujjaim közt fesse kékre vér.
Ragadjon gyilkot fehér, kis kezed:
Megállt az élet, nincsen több sora,
Nincs kínja, csókja, könnye, mámora,
Jaj, mindjárt minden, minden elveszett.
Fehér ördög-lepel hullott miránk,
Fehér és csöndes lesz már a világ,
Átkozlak, téplek, marlak szilajon,
Átkozz, tépj, marj és sikolts, akarom.
Megöl a csend, ez a fehér lepel:
Űzz el magadtól, vagy én űzlek el.

Torso

What a day!

Ich muss mein Leben ändern!

Herr Rilke, could You please help me!?

Anyone else?

Norway remembered

"..The past, spread out ahead dominates everything in sight... The Ancient Greeks saw the future as something came upon them from behind thier backs with the past receding away before their eyes."

I stole this from Mr. Robert M. Pirisg. I regard Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance as one of my favourite books. The only one in this rather posh company I actually have never finished. I started it 3-4 times and I loved it but for some reason I never reached the last page. More accurately: I have never reached the last page after going through all the pages before...
Ok, this little bullshitting was an attempt to put my feelings into words Because Norway and that slice of my past dominates evrything in sight. Along with India of course, but somehow that is much better digeseted.
I spent only a week there between India and Hungary. It was great to see Irma and Andris again, not to mention Raquel..... the family gathered once again.
We arrived in the middle of the night, we met my brother at Oslo Airport, so we were three of us. But it was not the place I left behind, not at all. I was different and the place was different, and in every field there was a huge gap between my expectations and the reality. I was so much afraid of meeting new people getting related knowing that I was to leave in a week. I was an alien, greatful for every little crumb that reminded me my old life there.
I spent the most time with Natacha, protecting each other, giving comfort and... enjoying the sole presence of someone who knows us so well. We shared smiles, cigaretts and tea with milk, thoughts and silences. SILENCE, when it comes it invokes all the people You shared it before, all those very people worth to live for. I am using big words, but...well, I am talking about something big! :-)
And... inevitably I found interesting people like Bruno and Dalibor with whom had I stayed longer...

Well, ok seems that I am running circles I erased the next paragraph 5 times I think I'd better give it up for now and cut it short. We went paddling several times with my brother, visited the island, ate blue berries. We saw an elk or muse or whatever family (they were huge, man!) I played again volleyball and table tennis. I felt excited and free and scared and hopeless and jealous and annoyed. And it was once again this roller-coaster effect: moods switching so fast You cannot adjust.

Then I took my borther to Oslo for a day. I like the harbour and Vigeland Park and I love the Munch Museum. It is small, it can be finished in 40 minutes. Then I start to run back to my favourites and if I am lucky I can stay alone in one room and just sit and try to find words to cover the feelings, but I am just illiterate when it comes to art. I don't have the vocabulary. By now I can tell at least what I like but I can't explain why. So the week flew away, I could hear the clock ticking all the time and then I found myself standing at Lillehammer Railway Station....

A new life has started (!) (?)

We are after midnight so October has already started. Five weeks have passesd since I am back. I don't want to give here a detailed evaluation, but will rahter give a random selection of feelings and impressions I went through.

In general it has been a very hard time for me. I arrived to Budapest and from the first moment I had this wierd feeling that I was a stranger at home. You know, I know this city but I could not feel connected to it. I had all kind of problems with my mobile phone with my bank accounts, with my university etc. And people in general were really rude to me. I don't mean my friends, but those You get in touch running after Your tiny little business.

My best friend left the country for years within days of my arrival and I found it almost impossible to come on terms with this. I have been missing Kristóf every single day and I know that it won't change, I don't want to change it.

I was lost. I was talking a lot with people all over from my last year (and before) and felt that my place would be somewhere with them in Zambia, India, China, Norway, France...

If anyone had offered me a ticket anywhere I would have taken it!

That was the dark side. Of course I did great things. I was witness at Kristóf's wedding just a couple of days after my arrival (they had basically waited for me :-)) and it was such a wonderful and moving experience. I felt so so happy, and this was one of the few occassions I felt happy for others. I simply couldn't wipe the grin off my face. I guess I behaved a bit stupidly, I just felt this enthusiasm and I wanted to express, I wanted to share but I had no clear ideas how to... Who cares?! I was there! It was a moment worth to live for.

I spent almost a whole day with my ex-girlfriend who's expecting her first child and is in the last weeks. We spent some time in the maze of Hungarian bureaucracy then shared a lunch a coffe and after all those we had a shopping-marathon! We were buying napkins, all kinds of wipping towels and powders and baby shampoos and so on and so on... It was great fun, just everyone asked if I was the lucky father. I had to admit that I fucked it up quite some time ago so I missed this opportunity.

And also at the university I bumped into some nice guys who also decided to extend their studies and therfore we were familiar to each other. Of course we stick together ;-) And in this way I got into a whole new network of friends. Nice, very interesting and really bright people and I feel almost the same I felt in Norway and I was afraid that I would lose by coming home: that I am in an inspiring and interesting environment where I can learn and have fun at the same time. COOL!

And today I took my fist pics! As you might have recognized I like to boost my posts with some photos, so I decided to to take my camera with me eventually (what I never did before at home).
We went to the World Press Photos exhibition in the morning, then decided to go to Margaret Island to chill out. We lied down on the river bank enjoyed the autumn sun and was doing nothing in the whole afternoon but chatting, throwing leaves on each other, listening Kispál, U2 and Manu Chao...

Then in the evening I had my first theathre experience in this year (ok, ok.. I was not at home!). Riviera from Ferenc Molnár... well it was a bit disappointing. It just couldn't have a grip on me. I was a bit tired and the guys on the stage were not very convincing (to me, because my brother liked it). Oh, and it was an invitation from my Dad who used this little event to introduce me her latest girlfriend! Wow! What a busy day! She seemed nice but I was too tired to really socialize so I just kept it smooth.

The TAJ...

I don't want to fool anyone, and I wish to avoid exaggerating as well. But despite Agra is a beautiful city with plenty of monuments to see I will never forget what I felt when I had first had a look on the Taj Mahal. It really is a shock. As I had spent quite some time by that time India and I left Agra as the last station of my journey I thought that the Taj Mahal would be one more great monument just a bit better known. But in fact this guy is simply playing on another level.

I arrived to Agra after a really-really long and therfore exhausting bus ride. I was using local buses not those air-conditioned Volvos that cost four times as much. I am bit greedy on one hand on the other I was in India and it seemed more suitable. Anyway the show went on the same way: arrving, choosing a rickshaw driver, getting a hotel room and hiring the guy for my whole stay to drive me around.

I was very lucky because exactly in those two days I spent in Agra there was a festival taking place and for this occassion they made it free to visit the Taj Mahal. That usully costs 750 Rupees what is the amount I paid for my room for two nights. So I went there straight from the hotel and soon after my arrival in Agra I found myself on the walkway leading to the Taj. The park around the it is surrounded by massive walls. So I first got a sight of the dome only, and it believe it or not my heart started to beat faster. Then reached to the gate entered and it was laying right in front of me. It was breathtaking. It was around six p.m. the sun was to set the sky way wonderful and so the Taj. I simply couldn't turn my eyes away. I started to approach slowly, stopped every now and then to take photos but it was really... really... amazing... I feel a bit stupid writing about a building so much and in such a sacred tone it deserves all my praises. Please, please do a favour to Yourself, go and see the Taj!

Back...

The title is true in many ways I am back on this page with my little posts, I am back in Europe and even in Hungary. I have this old-fashioned attitude that I like to follow a chronological order, so first of all I would like to dedicate this post to my last days in India. So... after I completed my Delhi-plan I went to Behror to visit Natacha. She had been living with Chris, Martina and Matis. I spent the weekend with them trying also to convince a South-Korean girl to join me on my way to Jaipur and Agra.

Natacha is one of those few people whose presence makes the sun shine brighter on me. So there's no need to explain that I had a nice time. I was fascinated to see how popular she became there. I was glad for her and couldn't help feeling some sorrow knowing that she was to leave soon. She belongs to Behror and Behror belong to her and I was a lucky witness :-)
I couldn't find any travel-mate so I set sail on my own towards Jaipur. I must admit that I felt a bit nervous while sitting on the bus alone heading somewhere I had never been before without any plans. But I felt satisfied with my freedom. After getting off hired a rickshaw driver to take me to a simple hotel, then to an other (I did not like the first one) and I also agreed with him that he would be my driver in Jaipur. So things were going well and I started to really enjoy the situation. I found a nice roof-top restaurant where I had my dinners and breakfasts and I was out during the day to see the Pink City as Jaipur nicknamed after the old city center where most of the houes painted pink.
The thing I liked the most in Jaipur is actually not in Jaipur, but really close and called Amber Fort, a stunning complex, all-built in white marble and red sandstone sitting on a hillside in a beautiful valley. I took an elephant to get up from the bottom of the valley and had a nice ride, thanks to Joe my 27 years old "taxi" . It was really a huge complex and took me hours to explore the most of it and I spent two more hours just sitting and enjoying the magnificinet view in a corner most tourists (many of them in big groups following thier guides as a flock, finishing the whole thing in one hour!) did not even reach. On the way down I went into some bargaining with the local vendors and got some nice silk paintings. I found my driver accompanied by three other guys who started to complain me
that I stayed too long and so that I had to pay extra. It is really funny how theses guys cooperate with each other just to get as much out of You as they can. I was a bit hungry and had seen the same performance too many times so started to shout at them so they rapidly evaporated to the blue sky.
On the next day I continued my journey to Agra where probably the most famous building of India was waiting for me: the TAJ MAHAL...

On the way

Monday evening I said farewell to all the people I worked and lived together in Pondicherry. The last week passed by really fast, and I can say that despite of the so many things that had happened my whole stay in Pondicherry seems very short. I had a great time. I don't want to write any evaluation now, I will have to write my final report and that will be a good occassion to think through everything and draw some conclusions. But theare are names that framed this time and I want to mention them here. First of all Raquel, we were given only two months together, but needless to say, the time I spent with her is a very important part of my little India Story. Sille with whom we shared home, and supported each other through sicknesses, fight with the hous owner, and had lots of fun and who was a very nice companion. Then Isabel of course, with whom we really understood each other, had long, long talks (she would say that I was just bullshitting most of the time) and had so many shared moments and laughters. Her presence made my life much easier, and gave me a kind of homy feeling, I hope You know what I mean :-) Then Lucein, my collegaue and friend who sat next to me in the last few months and who is the only Indian person who I think really understood me. Quite a thing!!! Last but not least Kusum, my project leader, who is a really nice and really Indian person with all her controversies and oddities and I can tell: I like her and keep very nice memories from our co-operation.

That is in bried what I left behind when I jumped into the car on Monday evening to take me to the airport. We have a new driver again, and he is not an expert neither in English nor in Chennai, so he took the wrong way and we got onto the highway to Bangalore, what is not very practical if You want to get to Chennai. When he realized his mistake he attempted to turn back on the middle of the highway! I had to raise my voice significantly to dissuade him to do so. Indian traffic is quite freaky and I think I am quite used to it, but that manouver was just to much for me. And we had plenty of time as my plane left in the eraly morning. So I still five hours to kill at the airport. I tried to sleep but it was just too cold inside altough I took my sweater along with a blanket. But staying outside is not an option considering the crowds hanging around with God knows what purposes.
After all the inconveniences I had my best flight in my life, the sky was really beautiful in this early hour, and I half-awake half-asleep with empty had I surrendered this beauty and left all my worries behind for a while. In Delhi I got a pre-paid taxi to TCGD, though the address was only the name of the district and some landmark buildings and my absolutely English-free driver and I had difficult moments in the search for it, but we both survived and I am here now :-)
I have a very small and hot room, but it's still quite a luxury seeing how the students have to manage: they sleep in the classroom and in the office on the floor.
I must admit that after visiting Chennai and Bangalore I am not a big fan of Indian metropolises, and Delhi is by far the biggest. So I was very anxious when I started to explore it on my own today. I asked a student to show my the nearby railway station so that I can take the train to the center. That did not work out, the train came 30 minutes late and was so full that I gave this plan and decided to hire autorickshaws for travelling around. This plan will come into practice tomorrow, today I stayed within walk distance. I visited the ISKCON temple (second photo). ISKCON stands for International Society for Krishna Consciousness that maybe help You out a bit :-) I don't want to use all the adjectives to describe it though it is a truly beautiful piece of art.
But I was lucky enough to visit also the Lotus Temple (only twenty minutes walk from the ISKCON) and I fell in love. For first look I couldn't help to assocoate to the Sydney Opera House and that's not a bad company. But this building is the embodied harmony. I stepped in and it touched me. I sat down looked up to the magnificient ceiling then looked around and then stayed. For more than an hour. You have to leave Your shoes outside and are strongly asked to keep silence and it (strange in India) works. And altough toursit groups passing constantly (spending approximately 45 seconds inside!) I felt so well... relieved... harmony. It is not connected to any religion, dedicated to public worship. And I really had a kind of elation while being inside. I love the building and as luckily it's only a good half an hour walk from my place I will certainly return.
Outside I was taking some photos when a big family asked me to pose with them and I was reckeless enough to concede. Seeing that soon I was surrounded by dozens (not joking!) of Indian "toursits" who wanted to have a common photo! I reminded them that the tourist attraction is actually behind them not in front then hurried away. Inside harmony outside India...
One more thing to add: since I have been in Delhi I am constantly sweating. It is not the heat alone, it is the extreme high humidity. I think I have tough but very exciting days ahead of me. I just miss someone to accompany me, but Natacha is still working, and there isn't many other options around. I so much would like to see her again, it was so good to hear her yesterday (phone) but these are the last days for her as well and knowing how much it means to her I don't want to interfere in any ways. That means that I have absolute freedom to fill my days with content, I hope I will grove up to this challenge :-)

Noch einmal.......leider

Wie ein Netz wirft sich der Regen über das ganze Land,
klopft an unser Fenster und erinnert uns daran,
dass es kein Leben ohne Schmerz gibt, ohne Suche nach dem Sinn,
keine Chance etwas aufzuhalten, keine Chance etwas zurückzudrehen.

Happy Birthday!

India is still incredible

There is this place somewhere half way between Pondicherry and Chennai (Madras in the colonial times) called Mahabalipuram. I had been planning for a long time to visit it, but I waited first for the right time then the right person. Then there was nothing to wait for any more. So I just went accompanied by Isabel, and had a really wonderful weekend in a really nice place. We got off the bus, and hired a rikshaw driver to take us to the city. Of course he knew a place where we could have accomodation. Indian rikshaw drivers always no a place to stay or have a dinner or anything else....

So we had a look, but the peeling walls and the view from the room to some piles of rubbish did not seem so attractive altough the price
was more than competitive and the place seemed to be popular with backpackers. We decied to have a look around before making our decision, as there were obviously several other offers. So we ended up at the beach in a friendly restaurant, with the view right next here. And of course they also had rooms to rent. So we stayed, and from our window we could enjoy the same view. I must admit I loved the place.
Mahabalipuram is famous for the temples carved into the rocks around 700 A.D. We started the next day very early to avoid the heat and the crowds following the tips of some friends who had been there before. That was a very smart decision and I am glad we did so, alough I am not
famous for my morning freshness, and unlike Isabel I don't drink coffee to get some kick for the day.
The monuments are located in three different places in the city, and we started with one, closesest to our place, on the shore. At the ticket counter we faced again that very Indian habbit that they are overcharging foreigners. Brutally. For Indians the entrance fee is Rs. 10, for others 250. A bit unfair, I would say, but we experienced the same with Raquel in Bangalore, so at least it was not shocking this time. This buildings are really amazing as architetural achievements, and with their spiritual atmosphere the experinece is really breathtaking. After finishing the first section of our tour, we decided for a late breakfast. Mahabalipuram has several cozy restaurants and during the weekend we were tirelessly testing them one after the other.


By the time we finished our breakfast and the newspapers handed next to it however became too hot to continue. So we wandered back to the room for a nap. After a late lunch we resumed the program, however by that time millions of Indians flooded the sites. And it was - with Western eyes - shocking to see that right next to their historical inherit they are throwing away all their rubbish, selling everything from food to clothes and the smell... oh the smell left no doubt that they were not bothering themsleves with searching for toilet. These things as I mentioned several times inseparable from India but indigestable for those who are not accustomed to such a 'culture'.
Also the area around the monuments is a kind of zoo, with dogs, cows, goats and monkeys walknig around. Before dinner we had a walk on the beach and bumped into a few guys playing beach volleyball. Volleyball is quite a common sport in South-India and these guys were quite good, so we joined for a game. I had not played for a long time, and as a matter of fact had not done any exercise for a long time. It was really a pleasure to play, though after ten minutes I was breatless again... not the first time this day, but... :-) We lost the first game but let us persuade for a second that we won :-) Oh, I really couldn't move after, however it was a very pleasant exhaustion....
We had our dinners at the beach, then lay in a boat used by the fishermen during the day and were just listening the waves and enjoying the cooling air. On Monday we went shopping, but it proved to be quite difficult to bargain, so we had little success. So we ended up at the beach again moving from one place to the other, lazily looking the fishermen setting sail, having cold drinks and enjoying doing nothing. It was a well deserved and badly needed holiday, and gave us some of our best days in India...

A little this and some that

I haven't updated my blog for a while, as You might have recognised. So I have to go back in time a bit. I have been planning for a while to write about the best place I know around: Nonakuppam Beach. It is located at the meeting of a river and the ocean, and forms a peninsula. If You don't want to take a huge walk You can only get there by boat, a really nice 10-15 minutes journey. The beach actually named after Paradise and there certainly is some truth in it. I am lucky enough to have been there many times but I can't get bored with it. It has an atmosphere quite unique in India. Silent and peaceful. Usually it is not very crowded, so with some luck we can have a hut on our own. And then just laying down. I usually spend big part of our time there sleeping.

And that is not waste of that time at all! As at home it is very hot, I learnt to appreciate a proper sleep, without waking up sweating. Of course it would not be India if there were no dogs around. It is quite a phenomenon that You can find people, dogs and cows everywhere, no matter where are You going. There is also volleyball field available, but I haven't yet dared to brave the heat and the curious sight of the Indians and joined for a game.
Last time I have been ther with Isabel and Natacha. Yes, Natacha spent her a week for my greatest happiness, and we had a wonderful time together, I had almost forgotten how nice is to have her around but she came and reminded me :-)
There are some people in one's life whose company means a lot, even if You are not doing anything special. I just love to see her sitting in front of the computer in full concentration or listening her explainig something with enthusiasm, I can't help smiling spontaneously.

I have found my ultiamately favourite Indian dish, it is called prawn pakoda. Little prawn pieces mixed with onion and well-fried. With prawn fried rice and beer, well..... unbeatable combination. And the place where You can get it: Bamboo Hut. A nice restaurant on a terrace with lots of plants. An oasis in the middle of the

city. I love to look down at the busy and nosiy street, I need this distance to enjoy the cavalcade that is so typical of Indian cities. Being down there for me is struggle for survival, I can't lose my focus, constant awarness of the cars, bicycles, motorbikes, rikshaws coming from all direction, sounding the horn and making the most amazing manouvers. And then the armies of beggars and vendors all trying to tell, to touch or at least look. That is part of the Indian reality.

Ok, about other things, the biggest sensation is that in the last few days the monsson has finally reached us, the temperatures dropped under 40 Celsius, the sky is cloudy and we have experinced some rain.

It is said that Pondicherry is particularly dry, and I am sure it's true. Appart from the last one week or so I can count maybe three small rains. And the last days have also failed to bring heavy torrential rains... here. If You follow the news You can read about the devastating power of the monsoon. The local papers display photos of cities under water, and the death toll is already well beyond two hundred. And seeing the infrastructure, or rather the lack of it, I can imagine that a stronger rainfall would turn our neighbourhood into a lake or at least swamp. One has the feeling that they are not prepared for monsoon, as if it was something new and unexpected. Anyway for me so far it has proved to be a relief, with the little sideffect that there are noticably more intense mosquito activity.
I don't know, I started this post with beach, Natacha, prawn pakoda then I turned to beggars and now it's the mosquitos and the monsoon. I am still a bit fragile, maybe it was to early to try to write again... anyway I think I'd better shut up now ;-)

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." Friedrich Nietzsche

I was not planning to reflect on myself. By now it seems inevitable. This was my first post that triggered some waves in the form of reactions. Thank You for those all, who wrote me and shared their views, it means me a lot. And let me grabb the opportunity here to encourage everyone to write, if You feel like.... You are more than welcome!

As far as my knowledge goses this page is visited only by those who are important for me, either memberes of my family or friends. This is an important remark, because I do care about the opinion of these people. And most of them suggested to remove the incriminated post from my blog. I have been considering and my decision it to leave it there, at least for the time being. But this decision needs to be explained.

I was strongly criticized for calling Raquel a bitch and other names. In the light of all my precautions at the beginning I am genuinly surprised. The unusually and unexpectedly strong expressions, are there, and only there to express my state of mind and to emphasize how contradicted my feelings are. And in NO WAY are they reflecting on Raquel’s behaviour towards me or her profession or anything concerning her….

That was a special occasion, a long and frustrating night, spent with work while feeling sick and fighting my inner battles. And engaged in a conversation with Raquel. In no circumstances would I use the same expressions again. However the feelings are the same. The very feeling of losing someone we are in love with.... the anger, the hopes, the pain... well, it's there.

For those who are unlucky enough to follow Hungarian politics let me propose a grotesque comparism that happened to cross my mind. Should in Your opinion Mr. Gyurcsany withdraw the speech in Öszöd just because of such expressions as „elkurtuk”? I have always thought that these expressions are merly to emphasize the content, to create an atmosphere in what the ears are open. Tools, no more no less. The esthetic quality might be argued, but taking them out of the context put them in the limelight and judge the text and the speaker according to?! That speech was targeting a certain audience, who were expected to understand. So did my post.

It stays for now, if it hurts anyone in any way I do apologize. It was not meant to do so. If someone feels the need to judge me according to the mere words instead of the meaning, saddened though, but I will accept.

FUCK OFF!!!

This should not be a post, this is a page of my non-existing diary. And I know that I will regret it, I will feel ashamed thinking of that the guy who wrote these lines is the same guy I can see every time I pass a mirror (recently not very often).

FUCK OFF!!!

I have been sitting in front of my computer for more than 12 hours trying to finish my work, so that I can have a free weekend with Natacha. It is around 2:30 a.m. I only have left my desk twice to take a pee and twice to try to throw up (failed attempts) since my lunch.
In the last one hour I have been talking to Raquel. We had some problems recently - well, we basically had had problems all the time spent together - in what I was guilty. Let's say it frankly, I behaved like an asshole, I have never denied. Happens sometimes, what is not an excuse, and I had my own reasons to do so, not an excuse either. On Saturday she communicated on skype that she broke up with me. Yeah, You see we are living in the Age of high-tech! You can live Your entire life interactive!
So now we have been talking or rather: she has been sharing her daily problems as we were good old friends and I don't understand what the fucking hell this bith thinks? Is she still sick, or pervert who finds it nice to bullshit with her ex, right after she kicked him out?! Of course I should have told her to fuck off or just simply log out (brave new world, a click and You have broken free!). Why the hell should I listen what You want to do with Your blody life that doesn't includes me any more?! WHY? I don't want!
The only problem is that I want this girl to come back to me! I still love her. I would definitely prefer to hate her, at least for the time being. But I am the pervert who is torturing himself reading everything what she writes just to submerge in the pain deeper and deeper in the hope to rise on the wake of self-pity and reborn as a Phoenix. But it doesn't come that easliy.
I want to shout at her, I want her to realize the pain she causes me, and I want her to suffer as much as I suffer. And I want to hug her and hold in my arms, and drink the sight of her naked body with my eyes. Smell her skin and feel the warmth of her body.
I selfishly want her to know how selfish she is. This little thing can't see anything out of herself, she only needs people around her to have her audience, she doesn't want to share, neither compromise she wants everything in her way. And I want to be her audience! I want her to wake up one morning realizing what she did to me, and regret it and then write to me that she was wrong and if I still want if I can forgive..... what a bullshit, for God's sake!
Most of the things in my room belong to us, reminding me to her all the time. I water the plant I bought her every day, I try to maintain a life made for two, and I am one, and the other one won't come. I feel pain, the terrible and unexplicable feeling of loss something very very precious. I feel it to the core. And I blame her, rather out of habbit than out of conviction.
She cut her hair at home and I wonder how she looks, if I would like it or not, my tipp: I would. I want to hear her warm bright voice, I want to hear her pronanuncing my name.
We failed to make each other happy most of the time, and yet I want her to come back and try again because as long as there is flame You can't leave the fire, and she has not extinguished mine. No.
It was me extinguishing hers.
FUCK OFF!!!

In a lonely moment...

...Erst wenn wir das Ende sehen, beginnen wir zu verstehen,
worum es eigentlich für uns im Leben geht.
Wenn vor uns das Ende liegt und wir alleine sind,
erkennen wir für uns das Glück, das wir sonst nie sehen.

Wie ein Netz wirft sich der Regen über das ganze Land,
klopft an unser Fenster und erinnert uns daran,
dass es kein Leben ohne Schmerz gibt, ohne Suche nach dem Sinn,
keine Chance etwas aufzuhalten, keine Chance etwas zurückzudrehen.

Fountainhead

I had been chasing Ayn Rand's famous work the Fountainhead for at least three years, but it is over! I had to come to India, a quite hidden corner of this huge country to get it, that is definitely amazing.

I happened to take my bike and headed to town to do some necessary shopping. There are certain products one can only get in the city center. For instance: bread (I mean European style bread, not that terribly sweet Indian) in Hot Bread bakery. Then cheese and toilet paper from Nilgiris supermarket, Mecca for the white community (based almost entirely in Auroville) and for rich Indians (who buy everything indiscriminately if it looks Western enough).
Anyway, after successfuly refilling my stocks I decided to pop in the nearby bookshop. And.... on the top of a pile of books I found Fountainhead. I could not believe! It was obviously last copy, not in perfect condition, and a cheap paperback edition but who cares?! By the way it was in the respectable company of works by Stephen Hawking, Richard Feynman and Joseph Heller. I got it for Rs. 283 approx. 6 euros or 1400 Ft.
Furthermore I found (also last copy) Kafka on the shore, latest work by Haruki Murakami, one of my favourite contemporary authors (actually I only read one work by him, namely Sputnik Sweetheart, but that one three times in a row).
I am delighted I had such a fruitful evening. Now I face the dilemma: which one to start with? Don't worry I will manage! ;-)

This is India

The link leads to bbcnews website, and the news is in many ways very typical of India. A country dealing with high-tech gadgets, but unable to find a responsible driver or make a proper road plan. I often have the feeling that India jumped to the 21st century from the middle age, and that results in contorversial or at least very interesting situations on a daily basis. So, have a look!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/6620461.stm

Goa, GOa, GOA

Another post out of blue. :-) It was such a long time ago, I would say it's already history, but the memories are alive and vividly present in my mind.

I remember the first shock: after travelling almost two days through the half of India we arrived to our guesthouse and were shown a room only comparable to a prison cell. But a short discussion with the owner and some extra payment (still ridicolously cheap) we got a nice friendly room with English toilet and hot(!) shower.

We went to get some food and see the famous Anjuna Beach! For some reasons every second restaurant called German Bakery. We couldn't figure out why, but the one closest to our home offered very nice continental food and good music.
We walked down to the beach, climbed down between steep hills to find a 20 meters beach full of rubbish and Indians! Indian tourists are really annoying, but about this a bit later. After 5 minutes we walked home disappointed.

Next day new optimism: we decided to take autorikshaw to the place nearby, Vagator Beach. You can see the outpot of this little excursion on the photos, we found what we are came for. Nice, long sandy beach with palm trees, beds and umbrellas and fresh juices served cold (our ultimate favourite is strawberry, give it a try!). That was the point we started to appreciate the place. Of course we were still in India so stray dogs, cows evrywhere and for some rubbish we also did not need to walk far. And India is not India without vendors, who try to sell everything from Cds and clothes to food, jewellery, massage, everything is on sale, special price only for You, because they are just to leave tomorrow. And next day the same people with the same speech as if nothing has happened the day before. If You are in a good mood, the whole thing is funny, if not... well... then it's not.
Goa is the place I got sick for first time (and hopefully last!) in India. It was nothing serious, some fever, pain here and there and diarrhea. I was in the edge of finishing my life. Men were not created to be sick. Without a woman on my side it could have been much worse!
We visited Old Goa, a beautiful city full (but really full) of old churches and cathedrals bulit by the Portuguese and, the former colonial ruler of the area. We joined a group on a multimedia show on the life of Jesus... Well, I learnt some brand new information, and saw him in for the very first time in lotus posture. I don't know how the Indian soul works, but my experience is that every attempt to touch it comes in a kindergarten manner. So terribly naive and childish that You just want to laugh, cry, or best: run away! And so we did!
Indian tourists... This is something very special. Indian toursits are almost enteriely men. Young men in their 20's or 30's travelling in groups. They all wear long trousers and shirts. And they never get rid of them even if they are going to the sea. (many of them can't swim, in Goa alone some 200 people drown yearly).
They love to stare at white tourists and they don't feel embarassed at all. They come close and just look at You. Some of them are brave enough to come and ask Your permission for a joint photo. Well, this is goes mainly for girls, then they can say at home: "See this white chick was my girlfriend!" I am not kidding! They are not bad people... they are just different... sooooo different sometimes.
It was also in Goa where I got to read a book after such a long time. Well, it was only Dan Brown's Da Vinchi Coode,

but I really enyoed to read again sth. that is made of pages that You can turn, and longer than a newspaper article. If don't believe me ask Raquel! She will confirm, that I was unable to put it aside. I was reading it with such deep

interest, that I did not recognize that her hair was almost eaten up by a
cow while sleeping right next to me on the beach.
Again a platitude: in one given moment a man can focus only on one thing. If it is reading then it is reading...
Here I should write sth. more to fill in the space, but not today, I should make some progress in my work...
See You later, take care!