This should not be a post, this is a page of my non-existing diary. And I know that I will regret it, I will feel ashamed thinking of that the guy who wrote these lines is the same guy I can see every time I pass a mirror (recently not very often).
FUCK OFF!!!
I have been sitting in front of my computer for more than 12 hours trying to finish my work, so that I can have a free weekend with Natacha. It is around 2:30 a.m. I only have left my desk twice to take a pee and twice to try to throw up (failed attempts) since my lunch.
In the last one hour I have been talking to Raquel. We had some problems recently - well, we basically had had problems all the time spent together - in what I was guilty. Let's say it frankly, I behaved like an asshole, I have never denied. Happens sometimes, what is not an excuse, and I had my own reasons to do so, not an excuse either. On Saturday she communicated on skype that she broke up with me. Yeah, You see we are living in the Age of high-tech! You can live Your entire life interactive!
So now we have been talking or rather: she has been sharing her daily problems as we were good old friends and I don't understand what the fucking hell this bith thinks? Is she still sick, or pervert who finds it nice to bullshit with her ex, right after she kicked him out?! Of course I should have told her to fuck off or just simply log out (brave new world, a click and You have broken free!). Why the hell should I listen what You want to do with Your blody life that doesn't includes me any more?! WHY? I don't want!
The only problem is that I want this girl to come back to me! I still love her. I would definitely prefer to hate her, at least for the time being. But I am the pervert who is torturing himself reading everything what she writes just to submerge in the pain deeper and deeper in the hope to rise on the wake of self-pity and reborn as a Phoenix. But it doesn't come that easliy.
I want to shout at her, I want her to realize the pain she causes me, and I want her to suffer as much as I suffer. And I want to hug her and hold in my arms, and drink the sight of her naked body with my eyes. Smell her skin and feel the warmth of her body.
I selfishly want her to know how selfish she is. This little thing can't see anything out of herself, she only needs people around her to have her audience, she doesn't want to share, neither compromise she wants everything in her way. And I want to be her audience! I want her to wake up one morning realizing what she did to me, and regret it and then write to me that she was wrong and if I still want if I can forgive..... what a bullshit, for God's sake!
Most of the things in my room belong to us, reminding me to her all the time. I water the plant I bought her every day, I try to maintain a life made for two, and I am one, and the other one won't come. I feel pain, the terrible and unexplicable feeling of loss something very very precious. I feel it to the core. And I blame her, rather out of habbit than out of conviction.
She cut her hair at home and I wonder how she looks, if I would like it or not, my tipp: I would. I want to hear her warm bright voice, I want to hear her pronanuncing my name.
We failed to make each other happy most of the time, and yet I want her to come back and try again because as long as there is flame You can't leave the fire, and she has not extinguished mine. No.
It was me extinguishing hers.
FUCK OFF!!!
In the last one hour I have been talking to Raquel. We had some problems recently - well, we basically had had problems all the time spent together - in what I was guilty. Let's say it frankly, I behaved like an asshole, I have never denied. Happens sometimes, what is not an excuse, and I had my own reasons to do so, not an excuse either. On Saturday she communicated on skype that she broke up with me. Yeah, You see we are living in the Age of high-tech! You can live Your entire life interactive!
So now we have been talking or rather: she has been sharing her daily problems as we were good old friends and I don't understand what the fucking hell this bith thinks? Is she still sick, or pervert who finds it nice to bullshit with her ex, right after she kicked him out?! Of course I should have told her to fuck off or just simply log out (brave new world, a click and You have broken free!). Why the hell should I listen what You want to do with Your blody life that doesn't includes me any more?! WHY? I don't want!
The only problem is that I want this girl to come back to me! I still love her. I would definitely prefer to hate her, at least for the time being. But I am the pervert who is torturing himself reading everything what she writes just to submerge in the pain deeper and deeper in the hope to rise on the wake of self-pity and reborn as a Phoenix. But it doesn't come that easliy.
I want to shout at her, I want her to realize the pain she causes me, and I want her to suffer as much as I suffer. And I want to hug her and hold in my arms, and drink the sight of her naked body with my eyes. Smell her skin and feel the warmth of her body.
I selfishly want her to know how selfish she is. This little thing can't see anything out of herself, she only needs people around her to have her audience, she doesn't want to share, neither compromise she wants everything in her way. And I want to be her audience! I want her to wake up one morning realizing what she did to me, and regret it and then write to me that she was wrong and if I still want if I can forgive..... what a bullshit, for God's sake!
Most of the things in my room belong to us, reminding me to her all the time. I water the plant I bought her every day, I try to maintain a life made for two, and I am one, and the other one won't come. I feel pain, the terrible and unexplicable feeling of loss something very very precious. I feel it to the core. And I blame her, rather out of habbit than out of conviction.
She cut her hair at home and I wonder how she looks, if I would like it or not, my tipp: I would. I want to hear her warm bright voice, I want to hear her pronanuncing my name.
We failed to make each other happy most of the time, and yet I want her to come back and try again because as long as there is flame You can't leave the fire, and she has not extinguished mine. No.
It was me extinguishing hers.
FUCK OFF!!!
1 comment:
Szia Petya!
Azt hiszem még nem sikerült a saját érzelmeidet megszelídítened és így nem is érted őket. S amíg ez így van, azt tanácsolnám, ne tedd őket közzé - bár ezt te is tudod, írtad is, hogy meg fogod bánni.
Balázs
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