This morning I was woken up by an SMS (lately I don't switch off my mobile for the night, God knows why). I learnt from the message that my ex-girlfriend, Marta gave birth to her first child (Orsolya, 4 kg, 58 cm Wish You a nice and happy life sweetheart!). I had been expecting this news for a weeks, but when it actually arrived... well, ok... first of all I went back to bed...
But later on, during the day I found myself staring at the words. I still haven't answered, I guess I seem to be quite impolite, but I hope that she knows me better than that (still). I am very happy about her/them, that's absolutely clear. And yeah, I am also envy. I envy the situation having someone with whom we can trust each other so much that we decide to have a child. I don't know, I have always been crazy about this kind of security, I built a huge myth around it, and it still haunts.
I have this image in my head that I will build a big house with a fireplace and even my grandchildren will live there (at least one of them). And I keep all the books I have ever read around me. And I always expect that all my friendships and grilfriends will last forever. Inside my little mind I build everyting for the eternity.
One night I was sitting on a tram looking out of the window. It was dark outside so it worked more like a mirror all things inside the tram reflected on it. A couple was sitting on the other side and they leaned close to each other to kiss. In this mirror of mine however the girl leaned forward and reached my face and kissed ME! I almost fell down from my seat, I was dizzy and walked home with a big smile on my face.
Other night, waiting for the bus. A car came with big noise and obviously with far greater speed than it's allowed. As it approached me, I thought that the driver would lose controll and hit me. It was a sudden and strong feeling, for a second I was really sure that I would die. And I felt so empty, it was as if cold air filled my stomach, time slowed down. I had no other thought than Finito. I think I was sad a bit. I stood there waiting for my destiny to drag me away. Then the car passed and everything was blown away; the emptiness, the cold air... and I remained in the bus stop with a bit of disappointment.
But later on, during the day I found myself staring at the words. I still haven't answered, I guess I seem to be quite impolite, but I hope that she knows me better than that (still). I am very happy about her/them, that's absolutely clear. And yeah, I am also envy. I envy the situation having someone with whom we can trust each other so much that we decide to have a child. I don't know, I have always been crazy about this kind of security, I built a huge myth around it, and it still haunts.
I have this image in my head that I will build a big house with a fireplace and even my grandchildren will live there (at least one of them). And I keep all the books I have ever read around me. And I always expect that all my friendships and grilfriends will last forever. Inside my little mind I build everyting for the eternity.
One night I was sitting on a tram looking out of the window. It was dark outside so it worked more like a mirror all things inside the tram reflected on it. A couple was sitting on the other side and they leaned close to each other to kiss. In this mirror of mine however the girl leaned forward and reached my face and kissed ME! I almost fell down from my seat, I was dizzy and walked home with a big smile on my face.
Other night, waiting for the bus. A car came with big noise and obviously with far greater speed than it's allowed. As it approached me, I thought that the driver would lose controll and hit me. It was a sudden and strong feeling, for a second I was really sure that I would die. And I felt so empty, it was as if cold air filled my stomach, time slowed down. I had no other thought than Finito. I think I was sad a bit. I stood there waiting for my destiny to drag me away. Then the car passed and everything was blown away; the emptiness, the cold air... and I remained in the bus stop with a bit of disappointment.
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